Sunday, August 29, 2010

Match-fixing allegation: reaction from Pakistan

As soon as the news of Pakistani players being investigated for match-fixing (affectionately called spot-fixing these days) hit the press, it evoked wide-spread protests across Pakistan. Effigies of BCCI president and Lalit Modi were burnt and demands for severing all ties with India were expressed. The parliamentarians demanded an unconditional apology from India. Pakistan's sports minister released a press statement: "We blame India, BCCI, IPL and the Modi brothers for this controversy (when pointed out that Narendra Modi and Lalit Modi are not related; he just laughed and said "well, you never know"). All this has happened because India, under RAW's instructions, refused to sign any of our players for the last IPL season. If our players had participated in the IPL, they would have never felt the need to go after this petty cash. And even if they wanted to, I'm sure the IPL stint would have left them either too injured to play or too useless to make them attractive to the bookies. So India should first apologize to us and then send all the IPL owners to our country to sign our players. This time we expect our players to be signed for the maximum amount possible and, in addition, the 10% commission that our President takes from all transactions should also be borne by IPL".
A disgusted Mohammad Yousuf immediately announced his retirement from international cricket “I’m highly disappointed by the treatment given to me by everybody. I’m Pakistan’s best batsman for last ten years and have devoted my entire life to my country, or at least parts of it that I couldn’t sell to ICL. And yet, these bookies have completely ignored me and giving more importance to the new comers like Amir and Asif. I’m also completely capable of underperforming by taking money from them; such as getting out for ducks and running out my partners. PCB also has been extremely unfair to me. They have selected a bunch of useless batsmen who get out on their own by edging the ball to the slips; that doesn’t give me any opportunity to run them out. If PCB had selected at least one other international quality batsman, say someone like Younis, then both of us could have taken money from the bookies to run each other out. I’ve consulted my elders and decided that this time I’m definitely, most certainly and without an iota of doubt, going to retire from international cricket”. When asked if there is any chance of him reconsidering his decision, he added “well, if the bookies ask me nicely…”. On a related note, Afridi is considering making a come back to test cricket saying that "till now, I had underestimated test cricket's true potential"

Inzamam ul Haq criticized the current captain Salman Butt for not forfeiting the match immediately "Refusing to play and forfeiting the match is the best way to deal with such allegations. That's how you get all the sympathy and shift the blame. Now, I'm afraid, it's too late to stop an unbiased investigation into the matter. Salman just showed his immaturity by not acting promptly. What else can you expect  from someone who is named 'butt'? ".


Pakistan’s coach Waqar Younis looked mildly surprised when asked for his reaction. In a mix of Punjabi, Middlesex and Ethiopian accent he said “I don’t know what this fuss is all about. Since I’ve become the coach of Pakistan team, our primary goal has been to build team unity. And if this incident doesn’t convince you that we are the most united team in the world, then I don’t know what will. See, for the entire summer our batsmen were taking the flack from the media and fans for their poor performance and bowlers were basking in the glory. So now to take the pressure off the batsmen, our bowlers have decided to get involved in match fixing, so that the media attention shifts to them. If the heat on them becomes too much I’m planning to start a fight with my coaching staff in the full view of the public during a practice session or we may even ask Asif to start taking drugs again. It’s all a matter of playing for each other.”
An angry Ramiz Raja wrote a strongly worded article on cricinfo (which was run through an adjective-remover program before getting published) “Match fixing is not the heinous crime it is being made out to be. How do you expect that the Pakistani players, who have grown up watching players like Akram and Salim Malik, resist the temptation of getting involved with the bookies? Calling it an offence is highly regrettable. It’s high time match fixing is legalized.”
Shohaib Akhtar, seeing the words Pakistan and “spot-fixing” together decided to sue PCB; but when pointed out that “spot-fixing” doesn’t refer to his treatment for the genital warts, he calmed down.

1 comment:

  1. One of the funniest commentaries I read so far...great work.

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